It's been just a bit over a year now since I came out of my last real relationship (would you believe it ended on February 13th?). Since then I went through a period of sadness, dating, falling in love again, confusion, etc. etc. Now with a series of events happening in that aspect of my life recently, I just went through one of those moments where you ponder what life and love is all about. A friend also posted yesterday a poem that hit home pretty good. I read it, and I'm like... that's me! Nothing lasts forever and life is so full of good-byes. Another friend likes to say that 'change is the only constant.' Another always reminds me that you cannot rely on a man to make you happy - you have to make yourself happy.
I thought I had true love in my last relationship, only to realize what a fragile thing it is. Distance easily tore it apart, and greater the love, the greater the fall. What is better? To have emotional extremes in life? Or have everything in moderation? What I've come to realize since then, though, is that no one person is the end all and be all. I recall something once telling me that I'm the kind of person who will experience several great loves in my life time. I would really prefer to grow old with that special someone though. What are the odds of me achieving that in this day and age? The older one gets, the pickier you get. Meanwhile, your choices become more limited. Even if you meet someone, who's to say it will last? Divorce, death, affairs.... A little discussion with a friend back home earlier today raised the question - how many animals on earth actually are monogamous? The first Yahoo! search on "monogamous living creatures" lead to this article here. Primates aren't one of them.
I also realize there is no one man who can satisfy your every need. I knew a guy once who would sleep with me but not take me out on dates. That was really stupid of me to let him do that to me. Then there is a guy who is 180 degrees the opposite. While he does make me very happy, he does not see me the way I want him to see me... physically. When things do go well with a guy, the timing always seem to be off. Either I'm in transition or he is in transition. So, I have to settle for something, perhaps. So now I am wondering, what is the most important thing for me in a relationship? What are the must have qualities in a guy?? I used to think with my heart, but maybe now I should use my head a little.
To simplify analysis, the basic needs are health, fitness, financial stability, intelligence, and non-repulsive looks. Let's just say those are a given and must haves. Now, from here, what else is important? Actually, I can't give anything up. I want a guy who can satisfy me physically and emotionally. I guess until I meet another who can and will give me what I want, and whom I'd want to give to also, I will have to take what I can get when an opportunity arises. The other night, I had the most incredible night with a guy I'd just met. No, not the Dutch dude. He's actually from North America and I had so much fun with him. Nights like that say being single isn't so bad.... Besides, I have male friends who buy me dinners, movies, drinks, etc. What do I need a boyfriend for?
I wonder tho, how many more years can I keep picking up guys? I am not getting younger. It's not as if it happens that often either. Also, will I want kids someday? If I met someone today, at the earliest, I'd get married 2 years from now. I'd want to spend some time alone with my husband before having any kids. Say 3 years to be conservative. So 5 years from now... I'll be 37ish. Yikes!!! Cutting it close. More importantly, tho, I am in my sexual prime. I do not want to waste these years not having sex. I also do not want to have sex with just anybody. It's not often a guy comes along that I'm willing to sleep with. I need to be careful not to base my relationship on sex. I think I might have made that mistake once.
I am starting to ramble on and on and I don't know what I am talking about anymore. I should just shut up and count my blessings. Yeah, so these are the things I think about when I'm bored. Oh, one final thing.... My past experience tells me that I generally enjoy things better with guys who are native (or at least good) English speakers and understand the American culture well. That brings me to the dilemma: should I take a job here if offered one? I really do like the job here. Or should I stabilize myself somewhere where the odds of meeting the kind of guy I want are better (er, like back in the U.S.) Seems like a stupid question. Why put partner searching above my career? My career is very important to me, but I guess deep down inside, I really do want to find that soul mate. So where the heck are you?!?
Funny... I was just about to wrap up and the song "You Can't Hurry Love" from Phil Collins just came up on my playlist. I'm not religious, but why do I get the feeling someone is trying to tell me something (like with that wacky fortune cookie).
Okay, I am really done now. Gotta run for dinner & movie anyways. I think the plan is to watch Brothers Grimm. Turns out my friend fell off his bicycle twice last night after getting wasted and injured himself so no partying for him tonight. Luckily he did not break his shoulder like he thought because I would have had to kill him if he could not ski in the upcoming Avoriaz trip.
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